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A lot of us have deep, dark secrets – the things in the shadows of our minds that we don’t want anyone else to know. I used to hide those shadows from not just others, but also myself! I no longer do that.
There are survivors of cancer and other diseases, survivors of drug addiction, etc. I’m a survivor too. I am a two-time rape victim, drugged and gang rapped the first time and snatched off the street and raped the second time. And something, I don’t know what, but something happened to me when I was five.
I developed a very powerful phobia of being alone in any place when I was a teenager. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what. I buried those feelings and that tremendous fear and continued on with my life. I had learned somehow that you don’t talk about pain, fear and things that bother you. Eventually, when I got my own apartment, the phobia became overwhelming and unbearable. I always had roommates just so I wouldn’t be alone.
My first marriage ended violently behind drugs and enabling. My childhood, though full of love, also had its issues.
I had two miscarriages – one where I lost a five month old son. My son Brandon died from crib death when he was 12-days-old. My son Gyasi was only a pound and a half when he was born and spent three months in the hospital as an infant.
All of these things were devastating when they happened. I am grateful to still be here and I am grateful to have overcome. I share these things because sometimes not so pleasant things happen in life but we have to embrace the experiences, acknowledge them, overcome them and learn the spiritual lessons behind them. I didn’t do it alone though. Several years ago the traumatic end of my marriage got me into therapy. I was fortunate to be able to work with Dr. David Russell. Session after session, we chiseled away at the painful memories and the not so healthy behavior and patterns that developed as a result of them. I also learned how to cry in those sessions. Prior to that, I maintained the mindset that there’s no such thing as emotional pain and would just “suck it up” and keep moving. I never cried.
My subconscious response to rape was to become a total control freak. I had no idea that’s who I was but – that’s who I was. I respect my ex-husband now that I look back at my behavior (which was in fact bizarre) for putting up with me for as long as he did (18 years!). Though he was not without sin, I know I did my share of damage to our relationship.
So the secrets are out and are no longer secrets. I won’t hold anything in anymore. I will tell on it, speak on it so that I can embrace it and let it go. The memories of my past contributed to who I am. I will share whenever appropriate to help another woman to move forward. I hope I will inspire her to share her paid so that she can also heal. When we are in the midst of a crisis, it seems unbearable. But, if we take advantage of time and use it to heal ourselves, we can emerge from those experiences healthier, happier and more whole.
“Good Girl Gone Bad,” the title of Rihanna’s third album turned out to be more than a motto but a So often, as much as we’ve heard “Once Upon A Time,” the innocence of love and the desire for a happy ending, clouds real life leaving those on the outside wondering what is s/he thinking and why don’t they just leave? When these cases are reported. As an over comer of being victimized by domestic violence so many factors contributed to the questioning debate of should I stay or should I go for myself. During my sophomore year in college, a year and a half after refusing the request of being the girlfriend of my fellow college mate, I gave in and said yes, on Valentine’s Day. Before we could celebrate our first anniversary known for lovers we brought a child in to the world, a decision that forced us to cross the thin line. As I previously mentioned so many factors lead to this spiral that turned from high emotions to low blows. One was ignorance, my misunderstanding that humble meant modest and not filling someone else’s void of how they feel about themselves and/or being someone’s punching bag. Second were our cultural differences, he was of West Indian decent and what was ok to him was foreign to me. Third was control (another form of abuse equally as damaging) as I stepped into my new role as a soon to be mother being responsible for the growing fetus inside my womb, the one who contributed to the other part of the fusion told me I only had one option; an abortion. After opposing his adamant demand both my life and the life of my unborn child was in danger, as he threatened to beat the baby out of my stomach. It only took a few episodes of physical abuse of punching me in the stomach and pushing me off the bed, for me to move away from the interaction but not the relationship. As Rihanna is secluded from the media and her boyfriend, Chris Brown, she is faced with one of the biggest decisions of her life “should I stay or should I go?” Every case of domestic violence is different but they each have their warning signs. After a year and a half of being chased around campus by someone who later became my boyfriend, I did not associate this aggressive and persistent behavior as one of the crucial warning signs. Other potential indicators are: telling a partner they are nothing without him/her, using intimidation or threats to gain compliance and blaming the partner for how they feel, to name a few. It is reported that separation is one of the most dangerous times for victims of domestic violence. 75% of domestic violence homicides occur after separation. It is a miracle I am among the 25% who leave with their life. Five years of being apart of and “on and off” fiasco showed me that nothing was going to change. No matter how many times he said it would get better and that he didn’t mean it. Once someone decides it is okay to harm another person they will continue to believe it is ok (without the proper help) whether it is repressed or on the surface. This leaves anything to be a trigger for their next outburst to their partner, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend and even their families and pets, which is not fair. In a sense I was a good girl who had something bad happen to her but in the end I do have a happy ending by letting go and sticking to what I knew was right. My daughter deserved a chance. A chance to know what love really is and what it is not and not to settle for less, because the person who will have the greatest influence stepped out on faith and showed her how.
As a youth I was raised in a “traditional” Christian home where the spiritual things were over emphasized while the daily, practical ways of life were pushed to the side, like a candle under the bed. For myself I confused humility (freedom from pride and arrogance) with allowing people to treat me any kind of way; which led me to allow my college boyfriend to verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me. Some of it was also was also generational. One of my mentors, Jose Villegas III quoted in his book “The Emotional Prisoner”, a situation where he recalled a daughter asked her mom why she cut both ends of the ham she replied to her daughter because my mom did. That was the only reason why. Such behaviors were also passed down in my family as well, like sticking with your spouse regardless of what they did to you even the extremes of domestic violence. I am here to stop this vicious cycle in my family and the lives of others, even if it is only one person at a time. What sparked my boyfriend at a time to begin raising his hands to me was the result of me becoming pregnant by him. He told me I had only had option that was to have an abortion, which was the option I did not choose. After having my beautiful, baby girl I could no longer think it was ok to stay with someone who didn’t want anything to do with her even after it was all said and done. The look in her eyes when she saw him physically cause me harm and yell excessively I knew I had only one option – that was to leave and never look back. If I were going to start change it had to start that day by knowing she would never have to settle for less in life, relationships and whatever she set her mind to. Like Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle say in their song Survivor, “I’m a survivor, I’m not gonna give up,…”. Regardless if this has happened or is currently happening t you, you can pick up the pieces and build a bridge to the future. Destiny is the predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events (dictionary.com). by Tomaca Govan Have we? Isn’t it the innate nature of women to nurture, foster and care for her children and her man? Our society’s financial structure is such that we cannot live on one income. Women were forced to enter into the workforce. That led to us becoming educated and seeking better paying jobs. And, that led to us having jobs that demand our time. Precious time that used to be devoted to caring for our families. I don’t cook anymore. I’m just not interested. When my older children were young, it wasn’t a question. Come home from work, cook dinner for that man and my children. Make sure everyone ate a nutritious meal. That was my job and one that I undertook very seriously. But, I struggled with it. It just wasn’t me. Thank God my mother never had such issues of confusion. Even the time when my parents had very little money, there was always a family dinner time, even if it was just a big pot of beans. She did her best to spice things up and jazz things up to make meals interesting. Sometimes we would even have hot cornbread with butter to make those beans more interesting! Sundays dinner were the big ones. I guess my parents decided that one day a week they could afford to splurge on a big meal for the family. There was fried chicken, vegetables, mashed potatoes with gravy and sometimes a salad. I admire them for managing to feed a family of ten children on their income. And, everything my mother cooked was made from scratch. Nothing was instant and very few things came out of a can. So, here I am, in my mother’s shadow. Most of my sisters got the message and carry through their motherly duties and do regular cooking for their families. I feel like I’ve done my time with that. I’m finished. My poor youngest son — I will bring home some takeout for him, or we’ll go out for dinner. But, some days he’s forced to fend for himself. “There’s frozen pot pie in the freezer. You can handle it.” And he is 14, so he can and it’s about time that he “man-up” and do things for himself. To my mother’s disappointment, I do these things. I don’t fall all over my husband and cook for him and make sure his every need is tended to… But, I find that I am not alone. This is just the way of many women today. We’re just too busy and our time is fragmented. For me, I could manage the time, that wouldn’t be too difficult, but I no longer have the interest. How about you? by Tomaca Govan I can put a period on the end of that sentence. Me and babies are over for good. Don’t get me wrong, I think they are among the most beautiful entities on the planet – having just arrived and being so very close to the Creator. They’re beautiful God-like entities — spiritual capsules. Children come to us with they’re minds wide open. We recently celebrated my mother’s 85th birthday and all the generations were there. The five month old twins were the highlight of the party. Besides the fact that they were the newest great grandchildren to join the herd, they smiled at everyone; they laughed; they shared themselves by letting anyone hold them. They were beautiful. Look into their eyes and you see nothing but peace and beauty. The parents of these kids are doing an excellent job. I admired them from a distance. Just once did I reach over to let one of them grasp my finger as I enjoyed her radiant smile. For the rest of the time I simply took joy in watching everyone else hold them and took solace in the fact that they weren’t mine. Diapers, feedings — babies are no longer for me. Almost 50, I feel a major disconnect with little ones. I’ve spent the last 28 years dealing with my own kids who were all seven years apart and now it’s time to do me. My daughter will joke with me about not expecting grandchildren too soon and I always reply “don’t worry, this is one grandmother who is just not interested right now.” She knows not to ever look for a babysitter over here. At least not right now – not for the next several years. I want time for me. I need time for me. The time I never took because I started with children at the age of 20. When you don’t know. Then you don’t know. At the age of 20, I didn’t know what life was and what I should have been doing with myself and my time. It sounds as if I have regrets. I don’t. To me, my children are beautiful and to be able to look back at my memories of raising them is wonderful. I remember all the goods things. I remember looking into their eyes as babies and feeling wonderment. I remember those moments of incredible joy. Even now, I can picture myself looking at my daughter through the glass window of the hospital nursery and feeling awe. My children a tremendous joy and those times were good ones. Since then, I’ve moved on and couldn’t possibly see myself doing it again, or sitting around rocking grandchildren. The thought of such things makes me shudder. I am all for anyone else that wants to indulge in what I do consider to be a beautiful way to spend time, but don’t put me down for a rocking chair yet! I’ve got more of me to do. And, should I become a grandmother very soon – sorry kids, you won’t find me hanging around with a rocking chair. Look to great grandma to do that right now! by Tomaca Govan We’ve gotten so far away from where we should be. Our modern society slowly poisons our bodies and our spirits. This is indicated by growing violence, the failure of our educational system, the increase in diseases, etc., etc. My mother grew up in a small town in Virginia. She and her brothers and sister were raised by her single parent father. Her mother died when she was two. Nowadays we consider a single parent dad to be a novelty. It’s not the norm. And, when divorcing a spouse, it’s usually up to strangers in a court room to decide whether or not fathers can have custody of their children. My grandfather never remarried and never dated. His soul mate was gone and he chose to live the rest of his life alone with his children. Things went reasonably well for this single parent dad. The children held up their responsibilities of doing chores and going to school and dad worked to sustain his family. They didn’t have a lot of material things, but they had the essentials – a home, food, each other and love. Free-range, organic chicken. My mom laughs at the concept of such a thing. That’s how things were in her day naturally. They raised chickens in their yard and the animals roamed freely. The family had fresh eggs and meat. Today it’s the latest rage to buy free-range and organic chicken and eggs. We now know chicken and meat produced by the industrialized standards are not emotionally or physically healthy. Chickens are crammed into small cages (which makes them crazy) – confined for their lifetime, debeaked and declawed to keep them from injuring each other, fed a regular diet of antibiotics and other drugs to fatten them up, to dye their flesh a certain color to make the meat more attractive to the consumer and to “keep them healthy” because of the poor conditions they live in. Then they are brutally slaughtered (which sends a rush of adrenaline through their bodies which just happens to be toxic for the eaters), sliced and diced and put into a neat little clear plastic wrap covered container for us to buy. Our long-term ingestion of the bodies of such beings make us sick. Also, there is no appreciation on the human’s part – no gratitude for the sacrifice these animals make. Native Americans and other people of the earth had practices that involved things like asking the animal for their life, apologizing for taking their life, doing things for the earth in appreciation for the life of an animal and regardless of how they did any of these things, they always, always, always said “thank you.” There is a balanced respect and for all life on the planet. It was recognized that everything is spirit and everything is connected. Sure, lots of us have the practice of saying grace before eating, but how many of us really understand the reason for saying “thank you” to whomever we offer this gratitude for a meal? My mom’s family never took it for granted when another being gave up their life to feed them. There was always gratitude, respect and appreciation. This was also extended to the garden of vegetables that the family grew in the yard. You planted seeds and food would grow – and without chemical applications. They knew which plants to grow when and where. Insects were balanced out by growing plants that would naturally repel them. This was a science that was not considered science to them, just how things were meant to be. Again, our commercialized society grows food while applying toxic chemicals to kill insects and use growth enhancers. Then the actual processing of food for canning and freezing applies more of the same science by using even more chemicals to stabilize, homogenize, and all kinds of other “izes.” The result to all of us is a slow long-term poisoning that results in cancers and other kinds of disease creating chemical imbalances in the body. In 1922, you went to bed shortly after the sun went down because there were no electric lights and television that people could distract and entertain themselves with. You could read a little by the light of the oil lamp or the light of the fireplace. But, because you rose with the sun and with the rooster’s crow, you knew you didn’t want to stay up too late and be tired the next day. There was another day coming where you had to go to school and the chickens needed to be fed, the garden needed to be tended to, oil lamps filled and wood made ready for the fireplace. The rhythm of life was so different and in tune with the rhythm of the planet. Things were as they should be. Our priorities and values, though still needing to be about having the basics, have become distorted. We pursue things of no significant spiritual value and fill our lives and our houses up with things that we don’t need. As a society, we’ve gotten so far away from nature, spirit and the way things were meant to be. The good news is that we can always go back. It’s not too late. Hello all! Please come back next week and enjoy our brand new site! Tomaca Govan |
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theme. A theme that has echoed thru time and has now returned to the spotlight as high profile, international superstar Rihanna has been affected by it, and that is Domestic Violence.